I have no interest in turning 34, what I have an interest in is throwing a stone into the air with so much force that it continues its trajectory forever without yielding to the established laws of physics, I have an interest in staying asleep for three years, in radically lowering my epigenetic age but not in a weird way, in beating the casino until I receive a lifetime ban and am escorted out into the warm sunlight by two impossibly beautiful androgynous bodybuilders who love me very much.